“Cosmo” for Men

August 24, 2014 • In search of self

The magazine Cosmo is infamous for giving out really bad, sometimes dangerous, sex advice. We also know that a lot of ladymags are focused on love, relationships, and losing weight.

Dude, guy mags do it too. And it’s hilarious. For this piece, I checked out the weird and/or obvious advice that guy mags give their readers about the ladies.

First, on an article on the 8 types of men women avoid, #8 is the misogynist. Duh? Do men really need someone to tell them this? “Hey, if you act like a jerk towards women, they won’t like you.” Dude 2: “OMG you just changed my life.”

Holy crap, when I saw the title, “10 Things to Say to Get Her Naked Right Now,” I had a feeling it would be a gold mine.

“You look so hot right now.” Yes, yes I do. And sex messes up make up and hair, this look took work and time, and you’re not going to mess it up with overenthusiastic thrusting. Seriously?

I’ll do the dishes.” Oh man, the explanation for this one is great: “Getting naked is a sign of vulnerability and trust . . . So in order for her to want to be naked, she has to feel safe. While there are plenty of ways to make her feel safe, an easy way is to take care of the things she needs doing, such as chores and errands, especially if she’s been feeling stressed out.” YES, DOING HOUSEHOLD CHORES, WHICH YOU SHOULD  DO ANYWAY, WILL MAKE MY CLOTHES FALL OFF. You don’t get a sex cookie when you do something considerate–you should be considerate all the time.

“I’m not just after sex.” Yup, because every woman was born yesterday, so we’ll totally believe any bullshit you throw at us. Really? “I’m not just after sex” is like a red flag that he IS just after sex.

Let me walk you to your car.” Once again, basic human decency doesn’t make you extra super special. It makes you an acceptable person. Now, that may lead to sex eventually, but walking me to my car won’t make my clothes disappear.

“Let’s wait…I want it to be really special.” I might be alone in this one, but I find it super creepy. I can’t really explain why, it just skeeves me out really badly.

On “The 10 Hottest Words to Say to a Woman:” There were a few in here that I groaned at (not in a good way), but my favorite was “Hot Pocket.” Hot Pocket. HOT POCKET. I get that it may be cute to some women, but there are very few vagina slang words that don’t make you sound like an inexperienced 12 year old afraid to say the word “vagina.” I agree that “vagina” isn’t the sexiest term ever, but “HOT POCKET”? No. Just…no.

On “10 New Places to Have Sex:” My first thoughts: “This should be horrifying.”

Victoria’s Secret: Really? Those people’s jobs already suck and you want to hump in their dressing room? Isn’t having to work at a mall torture enough, you sadist?!

A large Swiss ball: Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a recipe for disaster. “Hey, babe, come straddle me while I sit on this large, bouncy mobile object.” Yeah, that sounds like something that would end up on America’s Funniest X-Rated Videos.

A national park: Someone needs to clue guys in about outdoor sex. I’m not saying ALL women hate it or don’t really care, I’m sure some love it. But for a lot of us, outdoor sex means bugs, dirt, that weird feeling that something is going to crawl in an orifice at any moment, sharp tree bark, poison ivy, wild animals, and sticks digging into our ass. And, if you’re like me and have horrendous skin allergies, an offer to have sex in the woods is like saying, “Hey babe, let’s go have the sexiest allergy attack ever.”


I may do this every week. This is a treasure trove of hilarity.

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